I Ain't Goin' Outside Today

I Ain’t Goin’ Outside Today

In the 3 years I was detained I only went outside a total of 5 times. All for doctor’s appointments.

In jail they must provide you with medical services. It’s considered cruel and unusual punishment not to (unconstitutional).

One of the occasions I got to go outside was when I had to see the cardiologist.

My blood pressure had gotten ridiculously high. It was 180/100 one time. My pulse was always over 120. Normal ranges for both are 120/80, and under 100, respectively. I had never had blood pressure issues until jail. Even now, I no longer have high blood pressure. Stress and the food were to blame for that.

It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining. It was freeing to see the leaves on the trees and traffic moving. The office had a view of a building with a colorful mural painted on it. As I sat in the chair I stared at that mural for at least 10 minutes. A change of scenery can do so much for the mental health.

Another time I went outside was when my nose had some weird mole on it.

That morning, I went to the dermatologist in a blizzard. It was freezing, snowing heavily and slick outside. I was brought out in the snow in brown sandals, no socks, and a paper-thin jacket.

It wasn’t enjoyable because I was shackled and handcuffed being led by a correctional officer as well. I was so cold…

Then I couldn’t see out of the SUV windows because it was nothing but fog and snow.

The CO that escorted me was nice enough to wipe the snowflakes off my glasses so I could see. I will never forget that small gesture of kindness.

They ended up numbing, slicing, and cauterizing the mole.

The other few times I left jail were to check on my foot that was broken on the day of the accident, and to see the dentist for a painful tooth. They didn’t allow visits for cleanings or checkups. Emergencies only.

There were lots of stares and whispers when I went into those clinics. I think being forced to be shackled and cuffed and dressed in inmate stripes is ridiculous because it insinuates that a person is guilty. Which I wasn’t. I was only in chains because I couldn’t afford the 10% of $5 million bond.

On top of being uncomfortable there is the stress of having a $20 jail fee for being escorted to the doctor’s office deducted from my account.

It was even $20 when you saw a provider on a tablet.

Regardless of whether you have insurance or not. This money went to the jail not to the provider.

The money was an inconvenience, but it was worth it to get some actual fresh air. To feel some bit of normalcy for those few hours.

Do you know what it’s like not to see the moon or the stars for 3 years?

To not feel the coldness of the air, or the humidity from the sun?

To only know the seasons based on holidays?

To stare at the same walls and ceiling for 3 years straight, 24/7?

It’s depressing. It’s mentally challenging and unhealthy.

The best memory of me going outside in those 3 years is when I got to walk to the car out of the prison on that hot August day.

I felt every bit of air that day.

I inhaled so deeply and exhaled so quickly.

A sigh of relief.

No more cement walls or ceilings.

Life was not great but mother nature made it better.

I went outside that day…

-Natasha BYTS