Friends. How Many of Us Have Them?

Friends. How Many of Us Have Them?

I lost ‘friends’ and people I cared about when the accident happened.

It still blows my mind that people who knew me, some who knew me well, completely turned their backs on me.

They cared enough to invite me to family events, tell me their secrets, and tell me they care about me, but when I was in the darkest, deepest pits of Hell they left me.

I was abandoned because they didn’t understand what happened, and/or still don’t want to understand what happened.

Either way, I walk around as if I’m unbothered but really my flabber is still gasted at the way some people completely disappointed me.

Maybe in their eyes I disappointed them…even though my physical actions that day were not controlled by my conscious brain.

I did not choose my actions that day, yet and still, this is a hard concept to understand.

It happened to me, and I barely understood it. But I learned to have an open mind. I did research and was able to grasp psychosis, dissociation, delusions, and hallucinations a little better.

When I was in the hospital in 2020 due to the accident, my mom told me a friend (we’ll call her Erin), Erin offered to take my cat Freedom into her home knowing at that time I was facing life.

She later wrote me and said she knew how much Freedom meant to me and that I wouldn’t want her in a shelter or with strangers. All good.

My cat was afraid of dogs and Erin had 2 large dogs. Erin wrote to me a few months after my detainment and said they weren’t getting along. Lots of hissing and growling.

I was never updated on that.

She later stated that Freedom was doing “okay” and was able to send me a social media video of her and a picture. (We’ll get into how I was able to see that in a different blog.)

But then people were saying Erin got a new dog and that she never posted pictures of Freedom. (I never confirmed if she got a new dog or not...) I always wondered in the back of my head what was going on?!

My heart had already been shattered in so many pieces and my shoulders were heavy with guilt, shame, and fear, due to the accident and the loss of my mom. My cat was the next closest living being to me other than my mother. I hoped daily she was being loved and cared for.

I wrote Erin back and asked if she could video chat me so I could see Erin, her family, and of course Freedom. No response.

Eventually I’d hear from Erin here and there and she would put money on my phone account so that I could email her and chirp(text) her if needed.

Communication was far and few with her though. No in-depth conversations were had in the three-year period.

Fast forward to June 2023 when I get the plea offer from the State. I inform her I’m coming home soon.

Her communications tone changes. She tells me I should call her.

I told her I didn’t want to hear any bad news.

I tell my mom’s widow I think something is wrong with Freedom because Erin wants me to call her, and she never has requested that before.

He said, “Well did she say anything about Freedom?", and I said “no”. That was that.

I never got around to calling Erin because my gut just told me not to.

I get home a couple of months later, Erin picks me up from the home I was paroled to at the time and tells me my cat died a month before I told her about my plea, from a stomach tumor.

She had to put her to sleep.

Heartbroken all over again, with anger mixed in.

Anger because I didn’t want to hear about her already being dead, I should’ve been told when she found out she was sick; before she put her down. This is why:

Back around 2017, Erin’s dog died.

I got a Pop Socket made for her with the picture of her dog on it.

She got her dog cremated, saved his ashes, and got his footprints imprinted on a cement plaque.

All things you do when you want to cherish the memories of your pet.

She had my mom’s widow’s number. She had told him Freedom died but he kept it from me too.

Why not ask my mom’s widow about any of that?

Why not ask my mom’s widow about putting her to sleep?

Why not see if there was any way my mom’s widow could pay the bills on my behalf, to keep Freedom alive?

Nope.

Not a word.

Erin just decided on her own to euthanize her.

I felt betrayed and let down.

I still feel there’s a lot of the story I’m missing.

For all I know she could’ve been hurt by her dogs.

Ran away.

Given away.

Lawd only knows.

Our friendship didn’t end because of that though.

I reflected on our relationship over the years and noticed she always inserted herself in other people’s tragedies.

It was almost like Erin wanted to be the white knight, or just a part of something important.

I can name at least four traumatic situations, including mine, that she inserted herself in, in some way, shape or from.

She was in my Discovery, in my murder case.

Why?

Who knows?!

She had NOTHING to do with the case.

What she said didn’t necessarily hurt my case, it’s just the principle.

She also contacted my mom’s husband’s son to inform my mom about the accident. (Inserting herself in some shit that she didn’t need to be inserted in once again. This one was more understandable though).

A few months after she told me about Freedom, I started going through our text messages and started seeing the trend that she would only respond to gossip.

For example, I thought I had a tumor, she replied to that.

I told her something else personal, she replied to that.

I told her something I saw on social media, she responded to that.

I’d ask how she was doing. No reply.

I’d ask about her life. No reply.

I’d ask to hang out, I may or may not get a reply.

She only was a friend when it was juicy gossip or something important (that she could be aware of or a part of). So, I blocked her on my socials.

I kept her unblocked on my phone.

Mind you, only the people closest to me have my phone number. If there’s anything she needed to know she could’ve called or texted me, not get on my social media accounts.

The very next day she sent me a text upset because I blocked her and basically accused me of not caring about the people who passed away in the accident. Stating it seemed like I didn't care since the beginning.

"Excuse me, ma’am, we barely spoke the whole time I was in jail, and we didn’t even interact for the first few months".

Also, I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE ACCIDENT OR THE CASE. THEY LITERALLY WOULD USE YOU SAYING "THE SKY WAS BLUE THAT DAY" AGAINST YOU.

I wasn’t able to tell my side of what did and didn't happen.

I was not allowed tell the family “I’m sorry.”

Why?

Because it would have been used against me in a court of law.

I was facing Natural Life.

I was only, finally, able to share my feelings at my court sentencing.

I knew I could safely tell my true feelings about what happened that horrific day without it being twisted and used against me.

It wasn’t’ even the fact Erin felt that way that bothered me. It was that she harbored those ill feelings and had no intention of telling me other than when she was pissed that she couldn’t be nosy on my pages anymore.

(And it still baffles me how she found out I blocked her in less than 24 hours.)

It pretty much proves my point about her being nosy.

Please don’t get me wrong, this is someone I went on family vacation with.

Someone who I thought was my friend for over eight years.

She did a lot for me. She made me a vase for Valentine’s Day when I was single and had it delivered. She even made my mom’s flowers for her wedding.

Erin was a good person to me until the end.

After all that time, things changed between us.

It hurt!

I cussed her out and moved along.

It wasn’t a response I’d recommend. I’m not proud of it. Loss and anger took over.

Although I stand on what I said, I could’ve expressed it in a better way.

The same year, another friend "Liked" a flyer on social media that advocated for me to go to prison for the rest of my life. This friend also said, “Well that’s good for YOU” when I informed them of my upcoming release.

“Who needs enemies when you have friends like those?”

On a positive note, I had a lot of loved ones who were there for me for the whole three years I was detained.

Strangers from all over the USA became my friends.

Some wrote me because God told them to.

Others because they felt empathetic about my situation.

I communicate with all of them still.

I have two close friends that I’ve been friends with for almost two decades that I will always respect for the rest of my days.

They were there for me during the hardest times of my life, thus far. They continue to be by my side, and vice versa.

I want people to know that I lost a lot.

I lost my freedom for three years, my clear conscience, my reputation, my mom, my cat, my home, my valuables, my reputation, my so-called friends, and so much more.

I know my loss and pain doesn’t compare to the pain and grief the family who lost their loved ones have to endure.

I will never take that away from them.

It’s still traumatic for me though, and it will be something that I carry with me until the end of my time on this Earth.

Having people that you can count on helps your mental health.

So, I ask again, "Friends, how many of us have them?"